Ticker

Crazy Eddie bought his first car when he was fifteen
For many years he drove a grey 1986 Nissan Sentra
When the alternator failed he swore for days and then
He found himself at the mechanic buying a rebuilt part
And then when the door handle, all used plastic worn to brittle, snapped off of his old Nissan
Crazy Eddie began to hunt for a replacement
It was not three days later that the man borrowed a cousin’s pickup truck and
Towed home a mint condition green 1986 Nissan Sentra with a blown out engine
“One good engine is all you need,” he would say to the boys down at the bar, “Although the color is not quite right.”
“And the engine I have is a good one”
He griped for days about how he did not know whether he would put a new engine in the green one
A formidable job
Or slowly swap the parts from one to the other
It was not long after that his health began to fail
He was beneath the green Nissan cutting away at the exhaust when
Eddie felt a stabbing pain in his right side and
Next thing you know his appendix was removed
He returned home a day later full of stitches mumbling of how he was now short of parts
A month later his gall bladder was removed and a month after that
His wisdom teeth were pulled
Crazy Eddie was later seen at the local bar pulling down beers giggling
“Let them take my tonsils now, just let them.”
He was known after that for studying medical text books on his porch
Chuckling as he flipped through the pages
And after several months at the library
He slipped a thousand dollars to the man at the morgue and
He arrived home with a car full of jars and bundles wrapped in blue plastic and
Crazy Eddie spent hours hauling everything in, limping while he giggled
“The engine I have is a good one.”
Eddie found a pre-med student named Bev then
Down on her luck and walking the streets late at night in something revealing
And he returned her to her studies
When Bev heard what he had in mind she only said
“Mister you’re crazy. This is going to cost you.”
He took a second mortgage on his house then
Arriving in a wheelchair at the bank and wheezing hard
He giggled “The doc said my engine is a good one.”
As he signed across the line for his home
There’s no telling how much he slipped the coroner later that week
Nor how much he paid the pre-med student
But witnesses report that the coroner talked of a trip to Vegas
And Bev, the former hooker, was seen cruising along in a rebuilt 1986 grey Nissan Sentra
To call what happened to Crazy Eddie in the basement of his home a “surgery”
Would be akin to calling a beheading a “nice hair cut”
But the testimony taken said that after he’d signed Bev into the will
He limped down into the chilly basement and,
Taking in the fresh corpse, carved wide open, on a stretcher
Along with the jars and stacks of preserved organs covering every surface
Crazy Eddie muttered
“My only regret is that the color is not quite right.”
It took them months to figure whose organs were whose
And when Crazy Eddie was buried they arrested Bev at his grave in tears
The coroner caught a nickel in prison
Although they were not sure just what to charge him with
And the autopsy report read that Eddy had died with every organ failing
Except for his heart

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