Ode to those who are fired for no reason

I am certain I was fired yet uncertain as to why
now given the option between showing up at work or watching television I would choose the couch
I showed. I showed early I work hard and I earned very little money
you could have at least given me the chance to fuck up
I mean I probably would have fucked up
but to only say “this isn’t working out” is cowardly
as there are many other things they could say that I would much rather hear that would allow me to work on my performance at other jobs
”you smell” is completely acceptable
” you remind me of a friend of mine that’s a complete asshole” is as well
or how about ”you threaten my latent homosexuality” that would be fine
perhaps my handwriting was illegible
perhaps am over or underweight to do the job of flipping burgers
perhaps you viewed a bad omen in your tea this morning
maybe my ass just isn’t round enough to keep me employed
maybe I was over charging for my work at a whopping minimum wage
all this is inconsequential
all this carries far less consequence than the fact that I won’t be getting a check in a week
everyone gets fired once in awhile and some of those who don’t wish they had
so that they had an excuse to stop showing up to their menial job
and look for something they hate just a little less
so I say thank you former boss
and I leave with class
and I update my resume or consider going back to school
and I tell myself it’s all just bullshit
my ass is round enough


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